sometimes i feel entirely too old. i am going off to college and having my own ideas and people have told me and told me since birth how fucking mature i was. well, i'm not. they sung my praises for far too long and they made me i let myself become lazy. things keep happening that remind me just how young i am, and how easily influenced i am, and how little control i really have over myself

i was 11 last time my parents dragged me to court. i had no idea at the time that what my sister and dad and stepmom were telling me was wrong. they said be fair, live with your mom and your dad, so i went with what they wanted instead of what i wanted. all for the sake of avoiding conflict. to stop my dad's calls which guilted me into visiting him on weekends when i should be sleeping in or at a friend's house. no matter what he does i find myself forgiving him, even though i should've known years ago that any human that will throw a 3 year old's goldfish bowl at a wall and make her stand there watching it flopping helplessly until it died was sick. insults and black eyes were overlooked because if i spoke up then i would get daddy in trouble, i would ruin the family. and now, at 16, i am going to be back in family court. back in the waiting rooms with screaming children waiting to talk to people who pretend to care but i know i'm just another kid with a fucked up family to them. attempts to say screw this and just deal with it have failed and now i am pissed off, because i am tired of being stuck in the middle and blamed if things go wrong

i'm nervous. please hold my hand

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